devilsavocado | expiation inbox

But you knew the multiverse was a thing before you came here, didn't you?

[ Because if not he was taking it very well ]

Aliens fell out of a hole in the sky a couple years ago and nearly destroyed most of Manhattan. The multiverse is only a few steps away from "aliens exist and they can rip holes in reality to invade earth."

[ It was horrible, btw. Really terrible. But also, this multiverse thing is not nearly as bad, at least. ]

Sounds like your world is busy.

[ Earth-65 has its own problems, but not alien invasions yet (?) ]

Yeah. We have the Avengers. I can't tell if us having superheroes means it's more or less likely for supervillains to start popping up, but. It kind of feels like it, sometimes.

[ He and Foggy go back and forth on this argument sometimes for "fun." Well, it's not as much fun now that Matt's technically a superhero, but he doesn't see himself as one. ]

Peter mentioned the Avengers. And also the aliens.

[ He says it in part just to organize all this information in his brain; get it to stick. ]

We have Spider-woman.

[ Matt nods. It's a lot to take in, honestly. Peter's secret isn't his to share, but it's funny how that works... A Spider-Woman and a Spider-Man. ]

We have Spider-Man. Though he's mostly just up in Queens.

Yeah, Peter mentioned him, too.

[ He doesn't know.....but like Peter had tried to a lizard guy in his world, so. ]

All these kids with their powers. What's next, a girl with all the powers of a squirrel?

Oh, yeah? You met Peter? He seems like a nice kid.

[ Matt Murdock is going to protect Peter Parker with His Life. ]

Only if she gets them from being bitten by a radioactive squirrel. I could honestly imagine a world where that's real.

Yeah, I did. He pretty famously died in my world--it was really tragic, high school kid and everything--so in a way it was a bit like meeting a ghost.

[ In a way, but also, not at all. ]

So, all things considered, at least you know in my world you're not dead.

[ Well, Matt's smile drops at that. Oh, he is going to be so much more overbearing at Peter knowing that. Then again, the kid did mention something about Thanos and a lot death, didn't he? God. God. Matt doesn't want to think about whether it's in Peter's cards to just die young. Good lord. ]

That... is a relief, yeah. Foggy would say it's not for lack of trying -- but to be clear, we're doing okay in my world too. Just, you know.

[ He waves a hand, though there's clearly more to this answer. ]

Clients and old friends. And Fisk.

Yes, I gathered that much.

[ But there's clearly something more here. And he wants to know what it is but he's also trying to be careful on how he asks things. ]

[ The "old friends" are Elektra and the Hand but good luck getting Matt to admit to that.

Matt orders them another round. ]

Do you box?

[ It comes out of the blue, but. If Murdock left Hell's Kitchen, maybe he has another method of "anger management." Because it sure as hell ain't praying. ]

[ The Hand is a very very sticky topic. Best to avoid it. ]

Not my go-to activity. But I'm assuming this is not a non sequitur and is related for some reason?

Self-defense is pretty important when it comes to staying alive.

[ He shrugs. They are definitely only related in that way! ]

I've been boxing for years. I still go to Fogwell's.

[ Where his, or perhaps their? Father trained, in other words. ]

[ In Earth-65 it's Battlin' Jack's Gym, so this doesn't get as strong a reaction as it would otherwise. ]

Everyone needs a hobby, I guess. You don't have any negative associations with it?

[ That is some kind of fucked up for sure, don't tell Matt that... ]

Because of...?

[ Well, Battlin' Jack. Matt goes quiet for a moment, before continuing. ]

No, it's... my mother walked out on my father. He boxed to try and provide for me, but... in the end, they wanted him to throw a fight. He didn't.

[ He swallows. He understands. He was listening to the fight that day, he'd encouraged his father to fight. To win. He blames himself. It always comes down to blaming himself—Matt is so good at that. ]

He... The money he earned that day, he saved it for me. He tried to make sure I'd have something once he... well. Once he was gone.

Edited 2024-05-06 05:47 (UTC)

[ Matt listens, hearing the similarities but also the differences. Cataloging them but not commenting on them yet. Instead: ]

See? Negative associations.

[ Matt shakes his head, but he can't keep the emotion out of his voice.]

It's my fault. I told him I wanted to hear him win. I told him I'd be listening to the match, if I—If I hadn't encouraged him, he...

[ He sucks in a breath, trying not to break. He hasn't told anyone about this—no one but Foggy, but even Foggy gets a more watered down version than this. Maybe he's hoping Murdock understands? ]

It's the only thing I have that connects me to him. Besides my blood and my name, it's... it feels right.

You were a kid. And he was in debt with Silvermane, that was going to catch up with him eventually.

[ There's no sympathy in Matt's voice, almost no emotion. He's not being intentionally harsh, he's just stating the facts as they are. His father had made his choices -- including the choice to become indebted to the mafia. It never would have ended well.

But even a blind man can see Matt is hurting so he decides to give him something in return: ]

My mother didn't leave. We were walking home together when the accident happened. She died as a result of it.

[ Matt would argue about his father, as painful as it feels like it might get, but what Murdock says after is enough of a shock that Matt manages to actually fight off the urge to martyrize himself here.

The accident—they haven't talked about it. For Matt, it had always been an act of selflessness, a case of the wrong place at the right time. His mother... ]

Oh.

[ He can barely wrap his head around it. His mother left. If she'd died in the accident... good God. He'd been wondering about their powers, about how much they had in common, but he almost wishes that Murdock shared this with him, if only because, God, that's terrible.

What can he even say? ]

I... it was just some old man, I jumped in the way and saved him and. That's when it happened, for me.

[ Matt takes a slow drink, listening to his counterpart feel sorry for him. At least he doesn't articulate pity, that would be way worse.

It's ironic, how long he'd gone not talking much about this or talking about it only as a weapon, only small pieces of the truth. But then, when he'd thought he'd either die or flee to another world (he thought it would be the former--hoped it might have, even) he'd felt compelled to tell someone, to leave a record.

And now he's doing it again. Telling his story. ]

She was a paralegal by day and an actress by night. [ There's admiration here. He loved his mother. ] I had gone with her to a rehearsal that night.

After that, it's like you said. Battlin' Jack didn't throw the match. Silvermane's men showed up and were going to kill both of us. [ Is that what Matt had said happened in his world? Not quite. But it is what happened on Earth-65. ] And then Stick saved me. You know Stick, right?

[ it's a measured question. Neither approving or disapproving. Holding back. ]

[ Matt nods. He barely remembers his mother anymore. He could pass her on the street and wouldn't recognize her. That's obviously not the case for Murdock, and that hurts, somehow—knowing the close relationship that he had with his father could have just as well gone the other way. His life could have turned out so different with just a few changed details.

A butterfly flaps its wings indeed.

But Matt listens. It's his life, in a different setting, like a broken bone reset in the wrong way. Or maybe the right one? Who can say. But enough things match that it's undeniable. And Stick... Stick is a tough subject, but it seems like it's another they share.

Even if Murdock holds back, Matt sees little need to. They're already doing this. He takes a long sip of his beer and answers, old pain and contempt and still more of that guilt eating him up inside. ]

I know Stick. He trained me after my dad died—found me in the orphanage... But he left. He left me after I... I disappointed him. I wasn't "ready," he said.

You are carrying around way more guilt than a man of your size should have, you know that, right?

[ Because, god, he hears it. In everything he's said so far, like a refrain. It's so different from his experience. He feels guilt too, sometimes, but it's muted behind the weight of his experience. Behind anger and drive. ]

So what happened after that? Back to orphanage and then eventually college and law school?

[ Matt shrugs at the comment on his guilt. He's heard as much from Foggy, and it's an old song and dance. ]

I'm Catholic.

[ He's going for a joke, but Murdock will be able to hear the truth in it. Matt's faith matters to him. Doing right isn't just about justice, it's about the moral good—it's about absolving himself and making the world good. Making it just, and doling out punishment to those who the devil needs to find.

Really, this place has Matt itching under his skin about the merits of his own kind of justice, but that's not what they're talking about now. ]

Pretty much, yeah. [ Another shrug. They don't make for a very convincing pair of blind men with all these silent gestures. ] I was all out of father figures at that point, Father Langdon would take my confession but... that's not the same. I had anger issues, and I started boxing to keep up with Stick's training as much as I could. But school, undergrad—it was all "normal."

[ As normal as it is when you're blind and have superpowers, anyway. And lol. "Had" anger issues. What a good joke. He wants to ask how it went for Murdock, but he'll give the man space to tell him. Honestly, this feels a bit like confession already, but Matt won't presume Murdock's faith. ]

Edited 2024-05-06 18:11 (UTC)

[ Matt laughs at the joke, but it eats at him. What is it like, to have that kind of conviction in anything? He hears Matt's heart so steady, so certain. What is that like?

Not that it's all good. From what he's tasted of guilt, he hardly wants more. This particular conviction isn't really for him--but it had been so long since he'd believed in anything, since he'd had any ideals. It strikes him as quaint. It also strikes him as desirable. ]

Well, it paints quite a picture Matthew. [ they'd already touched on his practice, on the fact they're here. ] I feel like you may have left one or two details out, but I'll take it.

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cw: suicide ideation

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