devilsavocado | expiation inbox

[ The Hand is a very very sticky topic. Best to avoid it. ]

Not my go-to activity. But I'm assuming this is not a non sequitur and is related for some reason?

Self-defense is pretty important when it comes to staying alive.

[ He shrugs. They are definitely only related in that way! ]

I've been boxing for years. I still go to Fogwell's.

[ Where his, or perhaps their? Father trained, in other words. ]

[ In Earth-65 it's Battlin' Jack's Gym, so this doesn't get as strong a reaction as it would otherwise. ]

Everyone needs a hobby, I guess. You don't have any negative associations with it?

[ That is some kind of fucked up for sure, don't tell Matt that... ]

Because of...?

[ Well, Battlin' Jack. Matt goes quiet for a moment, before continuing. ]

No, it's... my mother walked out on my father. He boxed to try and provide for me, but... in the end, they wanted him to throw a fight. He didn't.

[ He swallows. He understands. He was listening to the fight that day, he'd encouraged his father to fight. To win. He blames himself. It always comes down to blaming himself—Matt is so good at that. ]

He... The money he earned that day, he saved it for me. He tried to make sure I'd have something once he... well. Once he was gone.

Edited 2024-05-06 05:47 (UTC)

[ Matt listens, hearing the similarities but also the differences. Cataloging them but not commenting on them yet. Instead: ]

See? Negative associations.

[ Matt shakes his head, but he can't keep the emotion out of his voice.]

It's my fault. I told him I wanted to hear him win. I told him I'd be listening to the match, if I—If I hadn't encouraged him, he...

[ He sucks in a breath, trying not to break. He hasn't told anyone about this—no one but Foggy, but even Foggy gets a more watered down version than this. Maybe he's hoping Murdock understands? ]

It's the only thing I have that connects me to him. Besides my blood and my name, it's... it feels right.

You were a kid. And he was in debt with Silvermane, that was going to catch up with him eventually.

[ There's no sympathy in Matt's voice, almost no emotion. He's not being intentionally harsh, he's just stating the facts as they are. His father had made his choices -- including the choice to become indebted to the mafia. It never would have ended well.

But even a blind man can see Matt is hurting so he decides to give him something in return: ]

My mother didn't leave. We were walking home together when the accident happened. She died as a result of it.

[ Matt would argue about his father, as painful as it feels like it might get, but what Murdock says after is enough of a shock that Matt manages to actually fight off the urge to martyrize himself here.

The accident—they haven't talked about it. For Matt, it had always been an act of selflessness, a case of the wrong place at the right time. His mother... ]

Oh.

[ He can barely wrap his head around it. His mother left. If she'd died in the accident... good God. He'd been wondering about their powers, about how much they had in common, but he almost wishes that Murdock shared this with him, if only because, God, that's terrible.

What can he even say? ]

I... it was just some old man, I jumped in the way and saved him and. That's when it happened, for me.

[ Matt takes a slow drink, listening to his counterpart feel sorry for him. At least he doesn't articulate pity, that would be way worse.

It's ironic, how long he'd gone not talking much about this or talking about it only as a weapon, only small pieces of the truth. But then, when he'd thought he'd either die or flee to another world (he thought it would be the former--hoped it might have, even) he'd felt compelled to tell someone, to leave a record.

And now he's doing it again. Telling his story. ]

She was a paralegal by day and an actress by night. [ There's admiration here. He loved his mother. ] I had gone with her to a rehearsal that night.

After that, it's like you said. Battlin' Jack didn't throw the match. Silvermane's men showed up and were going to kill both of us. [ Is that what Matt had said happened in his world? Not quite. But it is what happened on Earth-65. ] And then Stick saved me. You know Stick, right?

[ it's a measured question. Neither approving or disapproving. Holding back. ]

[ Matt nods. He barely remembers his mother anymore. He could pass her on the street and wouldn't recognize her. That's obviously not the case for Murdock, and that hurts, somehow—knowing the close relationship that he had with his father could have just as well gone the other way. His life could have turned out so different with just a few changed details.

A butterfly flaps its wings indeed.

But Matt listens. It's his life, in a different setting, like a broken bone reset in the wrong way. Or maybe the right one? Who can say. But enough things match that it's undeniable. And Stick... Stick is a tough subject, but it seems like it's another they share.

Even if Murdock holds back, Matt sees little need to. They're already doing this. He takes a long sip of his beer and answers, old pain and contempt and still more of that guilt eating him up inside. ]

I know Stick. He trained me after my dad died—found me in the orphanage... But he left. He left me after I... I disappointed him. I wasn't "ready," he said.

You are carrying around way more guilt than a man of your size should have, you know that, right?

[ Because, god, he hears it. In everything he's said so far, like a refrain. It's so different from his experience. He feels guilt too, sometimes, but it's muted behind the weight of his experience. Behind anger and drive. ]

So what happened after that? Back to orphanage and then eventually college and law school?

[ Matt shrugs at the comment on his guilt. He's heard as much from Foggy, and it's an old song and dance. ]

I'm Catholic.

[ He's going for a joke, but Murdock will be able to hear the truth in it. Matt's faith matters to him. Doing right isn't just about justice, it's about the moral good—it's about absolving himself and making the world good. Making it just, and doling out punishment to those who the devil needs to find.

Really, this place has Matt itching under his skin about the merits of his own kind of justice, but that's not what they're talking about now. ]

Pretty much, yeah. [ Another shrug. They don't make for a very convincing pair of blind men with all these silent gestures. ] I was all out of father figures at that point, Father Langdon would take my confession but... that's not the same. I had anger issues, and I started boxing to keep up with Stick's training as much as I could. But school, undergrad—it was all "normal."

[ As normal as it is when you're blind and have superpowers, anyway. And lol. "Had" anger issues. What a good joke. He wants to ask how it went for Murdock, but he'll give the man space to tell him. Honestly, this feels a bit like confession already, but Matt won't presume Murdock's faith. ]

Edited 2024-05-06 18:11 (UTC)

[ Matt laughs at the joke, but it eats at him. What is it like, to have that kind of conviction in anything? He hears Matt's heart so steady, so certain. What is that like?

Not that it's all good. From what he's tasted of guilt, he hardly wants more. This particular conviction isn't really for him--but it had been so long since he'd believed in anything, since he'd had any ideals. It strikes him as quaint. It also strikes him as desirable. ]

Well, it paints quite a picture Matthew. [ they'd already touched on his practice, on the fact they're here. ] I feel like you may have left one or two details out, but I'll take it.

[ If there's one thing Matt has, it's conviction. He can be tempted and lured away in his own way, but he always comes back to right or wrong. To helping others. It was always in him, and he's nurtured it—Daredevil is just the natural next step. He couldn't stop it even if he tried. ]

What about you? Can't help but notice you left some parts out.

[ Not that Matt suspects anything heinous, he imagines Murdock's life was different enough, and he has enough details to put together a case, as it were. Murdock obviously knew Stick, he may have even lived in the same orphanage as he did, but there must be differences there. He isn't dumb enough to ask more about Stick—that's a sore subject and he doesn't want to get back it either. But. He still wants to know.

Matt doesn't glance at Murdock because that's not something they need to do, but he keeps his focus on him, tilting his head to the side just so. He isn't treating Murdock like a witness, or even like this is a cross-examination. Lord, if he knew, he would. ]

Columbia or NYU? Or did you study abroad?

[ Matt laughs at that, too. ]

Observant! Although you did promise me a date. [ he sighs ugh fine he will share but he will not forget he's owed dinner.

He hasn't quite finished up his beer but it's legitimately bad so he orders a scotch for both of them instead, he's going to treat himself at least a little bit if he has to tell his story. ]

But I guess I can fill in a few details. Like I said, Stick kept me from being killed by Silvermane's men that night. There was no orphanage, like in your story. If he hadn't shown up, I'd be dead.

He took care of me, trained me. [ obviously because they both have super senses although neither of them has really said it yet. ] It didn't last long. Stick was killed by the Hand.

[ he pauses here waiting to hear Matt's reaction. To see how he's following the facts. ]

Right. I still owe you.

[ Matt knocks back a long drink of his beer. A date. Haha. Yes. That was a joke, Matt's pretty sure, but if Murdock is insistent, maybe it's not? Is Murdock bisexual? This seems like it wouldn't be that weird to have in common, but it's not something Matt can articulate into words.

Hey, are you bisexual too, or are you just messing with me? seems like a question that would end disastrously for Matt. He's not gonna ask. It feels especially ridiculous when Murdock actually follows up with more of his tale.
Talk of Stick sobers him up pretty quick. ]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[ Matt's feeling toward Stick are complicated, but ultimately, Matt feels he has to say it. Stick died? That didn't happen until much later for him. And there's a question forming in his mind about Stick's training—did Murdock get the full thing? Had his Stick asked him to kill as well? Those aren't questions he wants the answer to, really, but he files them away for later.

He doesn't think he could handle the knowledge knowing that there's another him out there who kills, but... the evidence is strong. He just isn't going to deal with that right now. ]

Stick kept the Hand from finding me for a long time, it turned out. Though apparently they were really looking for Elektra. Did you meet Elektra Natchios?

[ Maybe not, if Murdock studied abroad. Which Matt is still going to believe, because it's the only timeline that makes sense to him. ]

Edited 2024-05-06 19:24 (UTC)

[ it's right there...the hand found him...he went abroad. It's literally right there and Matt refuses to piece it together. How annoying! He's done such a nice job of laying it out. ]

I think our experiences with the Hand were different.

To answer your question about schools, though, I did undergrad abroad and then came back to Empire State University for law school. I'm guessing it's the functional equivalent of the ones you mentioned.

[ We call that willful ignorance, Mr. Murdock. Matt doesn't want to put all the pieces together, even if he has them all laid out in front of him... ]

I didn't find out about them until pretty recently, so they must have been.

[ To his benefit, apparently. Even if everything with Elektra was... bad. A mess. Disastrous. Matt worries his lip thinking about it—Murdock dodged the question about Elektra, which Matt suspects might mean her fate has something in common with Matt's own.

Shit, he really doesn't want to know if Murdock was trained by the Hand instead of Elektra. If she was the one who Matt met in undergrad, and if she was the one he tried to recruit. Talking about law school seems so much easier. ]

Sounds like it.

[ He runs a hand over the bar counter, feeling every tiny indentation on the wood. He can't help it, for all that he knows that the answer will hurt: ]

And Elektra? You knew her.

[ Matt can hear how this question is eating at him. Something must have happened between them recently, then. Interesting.

He gives him another moment to feel up the bar counter and then answers: ]

Yes. I knew Elektra. But it's been a long time.

[ Matt hums. He could have said the same thing about Elektra just a year ago. He'd known her, they'd fallen into each other's orbit like binary stars, burning and breaking each other. It was a mistake, but God, what a mistake to make.

Now Elektra was dead. (Matt doesn't know the Hand can revive people.) ]

She... she showed up pretty recently for me. But it didn't last—you know how it is with her.

[ How it was. Matt takes a breath through his nose, trying to keep his thoughts away from the guilt he feels, the memories of all the things they'd done. Foggy always said Matt was like another person around her. Matt knows that's true, but he can still miss her even with all the pain she caused.

Now, here he is. All he can do is atone. But that's not why they went out drinking, is it? Matt goes for a deflection, one that steers him far away from the hand-shaped elephant in the room (that is presently obscured by Matt's manpain about Elektra.) ]

Look, I... This conversation would go a little better over a date, wouldn't it? Maybe not a good one, though. Haven't had the best track record there.

[ Matt waves his hand dismissively, trying to clear the air of all this deafening guilt (and Matt's manpain). ]

I don't think I'd want to talk about Elektra on a date with you. Though I guess maybe it's not as weird when it's a date with yourself.

[ you just don't tell your new girlfriend about your old girlfriend and boy if Matt hasn't learned that yet....he's got some growing up to do ]

[ He would never! It's just that sometimes his old girlfriends break into his apartment or they spy on his friends or... well. He's glad they talked about this now so they can never bring it up again. ]

Yeah, that's the part I'm still wrapping my head around. The milestones are pretty similar.

[ Even down to them both having "accident," which means they've both got powers. Of course the details seem to vary wildly, and Matt is ignoring the red flags like a blind man (haha.) But now that they're out of more serious territory, Matt will try to keep it that way. ]

Do you think we look anything alike?

I don't know. You seem pretty handsome. You've got a nice voice.

[ Narcissistic? Him? No. ]

So we probably do.

[ Matt laughs, surprised and only a little flustered (look, Murdock is hot too, OK). It does seem a little narcissistic, but damn. Ain't no one here to judge him but God and an alternate universe version of himself. ]

Yeah, same here.

[ It's way easier to put himself down most of the time, so he'll take it. Plus, he knows he's handsome too, there's no denying that. ]

I don't think I could pull off the aviators, though.

[ They're well past pretending they can't sense shapes, lbr. ]

Edited 2024-05-08 05:29 (UTC)

So much for that super sense of smell. Pretty sure you can't sniff out aviators.

[ he loves them so much tho -- they're reflective, or so he's told. Red lenses. Perfect, in other words. ]

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cw: suicide ideation

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