[at least not in the sense that he's hurting or that something happened. which is, he thinks, the way matt intends from his question.]
But there's been a lot happening -- [he takes a deep breath. he's an adult. he can do this.] and it's kind of the first calm moment we've had since it all went down to really talk. And I think that's something we need to do.
[ I mean, fair. The cave got split in half, love was revived, and things have been pretty crazy. Matt can tell this is taking every bit of effort Connor has, he should be an adult and face it too.
How Matt feels about Connor... well, it hasn't changed in the last few months, has it? But in a good way. Probably. ]
Yeah, okay.
[ If you thought Matt was gonna talk first tho... I'm sorry. ]
[it's okay, matt doesn't have to talk first. connor actually does want to say his piece. he's been thinking a lot about it. he's going to be a lawyer one day, he knows how to talk to people.
besides, it's infinitely easier than talking about murder. they've done the hard part already.]
Cashmere and I both like you. It's not exactly a secret. [what with the whole cashmere and matt going on a couple of dates and then the shit with the doubles followed by the mistletoe -- which, also, dude, mixed signals???] I don't want to screw things up with Cashmere. She's my best friend -- if you and her wanna be the cutest cave couple to ever exist, you have my blessing.
[there's obviously more here, though and the "however" kind of hangs in the air for a moment between them before he continues:]
But I think...there's more to it than that. [he'd never tell matt and he and cashmere were gossiping about his sexuality, or that she'd told him about the things matt had said after his double had hit on him, but.] More that we could talk about, I mean. We don't have to -- I don't want to put you on the spot. I just know, when you're religious, how hard it is to even begin to talk about sexuality.
[and i mean, he's like 98% sure matt kissed him on purpose duing the mistletoe thing, so.]
I don't want to force a conversation you don't want on you, but I just want you to know if you want to talk about that stuff I can listen. I've been there.
[ Matt listens to what Connor has to say. Truth be told, the mistletoe thing... well, with some people it was just a kiss. But for other people it was "finally an excuse to try that thing he'd wanted to try." Well, "people" more like "person." More like... Connor.
But actually, Matt really wasn't expecting this conversation to go this way at all. He's a little stunned, more than anything. It takes him a little while to actually get his thoughts together and speak. ]
I... Thanks, Connor.
[ He definitely doesn't even know where to start. But this was a lot more understanding that he even deserves, so it's the thing that makes the most sense. ]
Cashmere is great. I mean that. [ "But..." There's a 'but' coming, ] And I don't want to be the reason you get into a fight with your best friend. [ Matt just has to take a deep breath to get it out. ]
But she wouldn't--I mean, I wouldn't want to... I wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. [ Matt is so bad at spitting it out, he's doing his best, even if the words almost seem to drag themselves from his lips. ]
You're right that there's... there's more we could talk about. About me and about you... about us.
[ Matt........ Come on, you're the man without fear. You can do this. ]
I like you, Connor. [ Like pulling teeth, but he finally spells it out. And because he's Matt, he's gotta make sure to be a little too honest. ] And not in a, like, a platonic way.
[connor shakes his head -- it's a point worth mentioning because he doesn't want that to be part of matt's worries. he tries to project being reassuring. which is something he mostly accomplishes, but the reassuring also takes a back seat to the way matt gets his heart racing with that last comment.
he likes matt too. it's complicated, god is it ever, but cashmere had told him two months ago that he needed to get go of oliver. that he couldn't keep living forever based on waht ifs about home. this was their reality, now. this was the reality they had to deal with.
and matt already knows about all his important secrets, which is another huge thing too. that he knows, but is willing to say this. connor hadn't been expecting him to admit to liking him -- he had a sense of it, but he kind of figured matt would just say he was really stressed about these gay feelings and they'd chat and maybe matt would need a hug and that would be it for awhile. but this is where matt starts - not with i'm afraid or i don't know what to do, but with i like you and that's pretty big.]
[the fact he didn't think he was going to get this far with this conversation is probably pretty apparent. even back when connor slept around, his self-confidence was pretty shitty. he knew he had a good body and people wanted him for that, but he'd never really expected anyone to want him for anything beyond sex. which was fine. or at least, it used to be fine, before all this shit with annalise. now things were infinitely more complicated.
the point is, actually getting what he wants always kinds of feels like it's not something he deserves. it's a good kind of shock, but a shock all the same. part of him is waiting for the catch. that they're going to turn around and follow this up with "I like you, but I don't want to have sex until I figure this out" which, while being completely fair would also be, on a selfish level, horribly disappointing.]
Do you.... ["want to talk about it?" but he'd already offered that. maybe more direct questions would work better.] Have you liked guys, before?
[ Matt's glad to hear that, at least. The last thing he wants is to be the a problem for Connor. Connor's only ever been kind to him since they arrived, and he was there for him despite finding out about his powers, about what he does and has probably figured out by now that Matt's head is a can of worms filled with guilt and issues.
But Matt can read every single shift in Connor's pulse, which is probably unfair. But Matt's always led with his face anyway, so he's not hiding much himself. He can tell he's caught Connor off-guard. The next part will probably catch him off-guard, too. ]
Once or twice...
[ He's liked guys, sure. Maybe even gone on a date or two at Foggy's insistence, but... ]
They never really... [ He chuckles, mirthless. He doesn't want to lie to Connor. ] I guess I should say, I got cold feet pretty quick.
[connor nods ashe listens, giving matt the space to say what he's thinking. he appreciates matt's honesty in this -- that he doesn't try to just gloss over it.]
[ It was a good while ago, before law school, even. Matt was a different man then. He's started his Daredeviling, but it was nothing like that it would turn out to be later. ]
I kind of told myself it was a phase. But it wasn't.
[ He sighs. It's never really been the answer, even if it's the one he leans towards most. Just tell yourself it's not a problem, then confess your sins to your priest and it's all good. Yeah, that's not really an option here and it didn't really solve much back in New York, either. ]
I don't want this to go away, though. How I feel, I mean.
[ I mean, Matt can tell Connor wants this too, that's always been an upside to his powers. But it's still complicated. Matt really doesn't think he's capable of having nice things. ]
Admittedly I'm not the best at relationships, though. Fair warning.
[ He kind of smirks, like it's a joke. But it's not. ]
[his smile falls a little bit, because it's true. until oliver he'd never been in a relationship. not a real one. and the stuff with oliver...it wasn't always clear cut.]
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Is something wrong?
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[at least not in the sense that he's hurting or that something happened. which is, he thinks, the way matt intends from his question.]
But there's been a lot happening -- [he takes a deep breath. he's an adult. he can do this.] and it's kind of the first calm moment we've had since it all went down to really talk. And I think that's something we need to do.
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[ I mean, fair. The cave got split in half, love was revived, and things have been pretty crazy. Matt can tell this is taking every bit of effort Connor has, he should be an adult and face it too.
How Matt feels about Connor... well, it hasn't changed in the last few months, has it? But in a good way. Probably. ]
Yeah, okay.
[ If you thought Matt was gonna talk first tho... I'm sorry. ]
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besides, it's infinitely easier than talking about murder. they've done the hard part already.]
Cashmere and I both like you. It's not exactly a secret. [what with the whole cashmere and matt going on a couple of dates and then the shit with the doubles followed by the mistletoe -- which, also, dude, mixed signals???] I don't want to screw things up with Cashmere. She's my best friend -- if you and her wanna be the cutest cave couple to ever exist, you have my blessing.
[there's obviously more here, though and the "however" kind of hangs in the air for a moment between them before he continues:]
But I think...there's more to it than that. [he'd never tell matt and he and cashmere were gossiping about his sexuality, or that she'd told him about the things matt had said after his double had hit on him, but.] More that we could talk about, I mean. We don't have to -- I don't want to put you on the spot. I just know, when you're religious, how hard it is to even begin to talk about sexuality.
[and i mean, he's like 98% sure matt kissed him on purpose duing the mistletoe thing, so.]
I don't want to force a conversation you don't want on you, but I just want you to know if you want to talk about that stuff I can listen. I've been there.
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But actually, Matt really wasn't expecting this conversation to go this way at all. He's a little stunned, more than anything. It takes him a little while to actually get his thoughts together and speak. ]
I... Thanks, Connor.
[ He definitely doesn't even know where to start. But this was a lot more understanding that he even deserves, so it's the thing that makes the most sense. ]
Cashmere is great. I mean that. [ "But..." There's a 'but' coming, ] And I don't want to be the reason you get into a fight with your best friend. [ Matt just has to take a deep breath to get it out. ]
But she wouldn't--I mean, I wouldn't want to... I wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea. [ Matt is so bad at spitting it out, he's doing his best, even if the words almost seem to drag themselves from his lips. ]
You're right that there's... there's more we could talk about. About me and about you... about us.
[ Matt........ Come on, you're the man without fear. You can do this. ]
I like you, Connor. [ Like pulling teeth, but he finally spells it out. And because he's Matt, he's gotta make sure to be a little too honest. ] And not in a, like, a platonic way.
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[connor shakes his head -- it's a point worth mentioning because he doesn't want that to be part of matt's worries. he tries to project being reassuring. which is something he mostly accomplishes, but the reassuring also takes a back seat to the way matt gets his heart racing with that last comment.
he likes matt too. it's complicated, god is it ever, but cashmere had told him two months ago that he needed to get go of oliver. that he couldn't keep living forever based on waht ifs about home. this was their reality, now. this was the reality they had to deal with.
and matt already knows about all his important secrets, which is another huge thing too. that he knows, but is willing to say this. connor hadn't been expecting him to admit to liking him -- he had a sense of it, but he kind of figured matt would just say he was really stressed about these gay feelings and they'd chat and maybe matt would need a hug and that would be it for awhile. but this is where matt starts - not with i'm afraid or i don't know what to do, but with i like you and that's pretty big.]
Yeah that's definitely -- definitely worth talking about.
[the fact he didn't think he was going to get this far with this conversation is probably pretty apparent. even back when connor slept around, his self-confidence was pretty shitty. he knew he had a good body and people wanted him for that, but he'd never really expected anyone to want him for anything beyond sex. which was fine. or at least, it used to be fine, before all this shit with annalise. now things were infinitely more complicated.
the point is, actually getting what he wants always kinds of feels like it's not something he deserves. it's a good kind of shock, but a shock all the same. part of him is waiting for the catch. that they're going to turn around and follow this up with "I like you, but I don't want to have sex until I figure this out" which, while being completely fair would also be, on a selfish level, horribly disappointing.]
Do you.... ["want to talk about it?" but he'd already offered that. maybe more direct questions would work better.] Have you liked guys, before?
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But Matt can read every single shift in Connor's pulse, which is probably unfair. But Matt's always led with his face anyway, so he's not hiding much himself. He can tell he's caught Connor off-guard. The next part will probably catch him off-guard, too. ]
Once or twice...
[ He's liked guys, sure. Maybe even gone on a date or two at Foggy's insistence, but... ]
They never really... [ He chuckles, mirthless. He doesn't want to lie to Connor. ] I guess I should say, I got cold feet pretty quick.
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Were you scared, or...?
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[ It was a good while ago, before law school, even. Matt was a different man then. He's started his Daredeviling, but it was nothing like that it would turn out to be later. ]
I kind of told myself it was a phase. But it wasn't.
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It's hard, when you're not honest with yourself about stuff like this.
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[ He shakes his head. ]
I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not really honest with myself with a lot of things.
[ Gee, ya think, Matt? You think he's noticed? Maybe? ]
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Well not being honest doesn't make it go away.
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[ He sighs. It's never really been the answer, even if it's the one he leans towards most. Just tell yourself it's not a problem, then confess your sins to your priest and it's all good. Yeah, that's not really an option here and it didn't really solve much back in New York, either. ]
I don't want this to go away, though. How I feel, I mean.
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[since, obviously, he has a bit of a vested interest in matt continuing to embrace these queer feelings]
So what do you want, then?
[it's a gentle question, where he tries to keep his voice level as to what he wants from it -- like hes genuinely curious about what matt wants]
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[ I mean, Matt can tell Connor wants this too, that's always been an upside to his powers. But it's still complicated. Matt really doesn't think he's capable of having nice things. ]
Admittedly I'm not the best at relationships, though. Fair warning.
[ He kind of smirks, like it's a joke. But it's not. ]
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[his smile falls a little bit, because it's true. until oliver he'd never been in a relationship. not a real one. and the stuff with oliver...it wasn't always clear cut.]
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We can figure it out as we go?
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[wow is matt really agreeing to be his boyfriend incredible]
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[ He scoots on the couch, closer to Connor. He takes his hand in his, feeling his pulse and a million other tiny details. He wants to be sure. ]
It's not like, weird or anything, right?
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No - why would it be weird?
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[ hello guilt, my name is matt murdock... ]
I should have said something sooner, Connor. I'm sorry.
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[ He sighs, but he squeezes his hand, smiling softly. Connor's always there for him, isn't he? ]
Thanks.
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[what did he even do?? besides, he got a boyfriend out of this conversation so that's, like, better than thanks.]
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Thanks for being so understanding, I mean.
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